Well, it's the week after Christmas, 2 days until a brand New Year. I haven't been posting, because I've had very mixed emotions leading into this holiday season.
On one hand, I'm very sad that I'm not able to share the joy of the Christmas season and experience a new level of family with our own child.
On the other, with the stress of my job, our basement renovation and a broken sewer pipe looming over my head these past few weeks...I found myself secretly GLAD I don't have the added stress of a pregnant body or a demanding newborn to care for. Caring for 5-6 non-related children 10-11 hours a day takes it's toll and I enjoy closing the door on the last family to leave and returning to "grown-up" world for a few hours.
I mean, don't get me wrong...I love my job. My calling is to work with children, so it's a blessing to be able to work from home and get paid to play all day. And some days are easier than others. But, gosh some days suck the big one. When the 18 mo doesn't want to nap AT ALL that ENTIRE day, just happily yell at the top of her lungs...I'm not kidding she's HAPPY!!...which means no one else can nap well that day and poor me, gets no quiet time! (INSERT VIOLIN MUSIC HERE)
I started this Home Daycare business for a few reasons. I love working with children (check) I enjoy being my own boss (check) I like setting and adhereing to my own policies (double check) I can stay at HOME with my children and still earn a living to help support my family (missing check.) This last one is a little difficult for me to type out. I had so many visions of how easy it would be to start this home business, get married and start pumping out bambinos. It obviously hasn't worked that way. Three years (this past December) since I opened and still nada.
Hubby and I attended a mutlitude of family gatherings this holiday season, like we do every year and it was comforting and saddening that the situation is unchanging. I can't wait for the year that I get to hold my little one while we sing Christmas carols or open presents. I can't wait for the year that I can take pictures of my bundle of joy on Santa's lap, or giving thanks during Thanksgiving dinner for the blessing that is a gift from God. But it was comforting to know that my family and friends are still there regardless of our parental state, or lack thereof. It is nice to know that I can focus on others in our family without worrying about stretching myself too thin, financially, physically, or emotionally.
I took a step back these past 2 months and really looked at what emotions I was going through...I allowed myself to feel them, I embraced them at times. I became at peace about them. It's tough to have to wait for something I KNOW I am meant for. It's painful to watch others have what I long for. But I think it's small of me to envy theim their blessings. I've tried to find the strength inside myself to be STRONG enough to be HAPPY for others who are creating the memories that I wish so much to have. I know God has a plan for me, I trust that He understands my true heart and sees what I feel most desparately in my soul. I know that only He knows what the future holds. This holiday season as I laughed happily with my nephews & nieces, sighed with relief after the daycare Christmas party when I had no one to care for but myself, played Barbies & drew pictures wth my God-daughter & her sister, wept with despair at our lack of children to hold, railed with anger at the un-fair way it seems children are granted to those who aren't ready (by their own admission, I have to add) I found myself letting go and putting the answers into God's hands. I found peace after each emotion...I found joy in the small quiet moments on Christmas morning with my husband. I found happiness, that I didn't expect to find in my family and friends.
I haven't talked to Dr. M since October. I haven't had any more tests since my annual gyno visit in November. We took a few months to re-group and to re-connect emotionally with our individual selves and each other and we're willing to try again. We had the testing done to see if there is any major structural issues with both of us...we've gotten good & fair results respectively. I will give it another couple of months and then we'll move on with our process. I've started temping and charting again...purely for data.
I don't know how to explain...but I wasn't 100% sure 2011 was our year. I have good feelings about 2012.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
HSG
Yesterday, I enjoyed a visit to the Radiology department at the Harrisburg Hospital.
I was pretty anxious. Ok so really anxious.
I've been lucky enough to have a pretty healthy life so far. I've never had to have x-rays, or broken bones, or surgery or anything. Well, to be fair, I did have stiches when I was 4 after taking a header into a corner of the wall. I can remember bits and pieces of that visit to the hospital: just slightly do I see the doctor's standing above me, and I remember screaming bloody murder, but I truly don't remember the pain or the feeling of the stitches going in.
So, walking into a hospital for this was a little unsettling. Something I knew I had to do, but anxiety inducing none-the-less. My mom drove down and went with me...while my hubby stayed home with the daycare kiddos. I'm so glad she was able to come with me. Just knowing she was there with me, eased some of my nerves & allowed me to be more open to the experience.
So, anyways to be technical: The HSG test (or hysterosalpingogram, or hystogram) is an x-ray of the uterus and fallopian tubes. This test is done between days 7-10 of your cycle, after mustruation has stopped but before ovulation.
The test is performed by a doctor, radiology assistant and nurse. You lie on your back with feet placed as you would for a pelvic exam. The doctor will insert a speculum to hold open the vagina to allow for a view of the cervix. They clean the cervix and insert a device to hold the cervix steady. Then they pass a thin tube into the uterus. As the radiology assistant takes pictures with the x-ray machine, the doctor injects a special dye through the thin tube into the uterus and fallopian tubes. The fluid will cause the uterus to stretch, resulting in uterine cramping. If the fallopian tubes are blocked, this fluid will cause them to stretch also, maybe causing pain as well. Images are taken as the fluid fills the uterus and tubes, they may ask you to turn from left to right to better grab pictures. If there is no blockage of the tubes and/or scarring of the tubes or uterus, the fluid will slowly spill out the ends of the tubes. After it does, it will be absorbed by the abdominal wall cells. After the test there are some minor side effects. These include, a sticky vaginal discharge (fluid draining), cramping, feeling dizzy, faint or nauseus, there may also be slight vaginal bleeding. There are some risks and/or complications to this procedure including allergic reaction to the dye, injury to the uterus or pelvic infection. Please discuss the symptoms for these with your doctor prior to the exam. Be sure to have someone drive you home after due to the possibility of some of the side-effects.
For my exam, I was instructed to take 400mg of ibuprofen 1 1/2 hours before the procedure to help alleviate any pain during the exam. I did, but it didn't help much. I have to tell you...the insertion of the tube and the fluid was painful. For me it was close to a 7 on the 1-10 pain scale (1=lowest, 10=highest). However, like I previously stated, I have never really had any chronic pain, trauma or surgery. I've never given birth, I've never had a broken bone. I don't really know what real pain is. So, when I was told there would be some moderate cramping, I just assumed it would be close in relation to my menstrual cramps. NOT SO! At least for me, this was the worst cramping I've ever felt...and I thought I've had some pretty bad ones. It was sharp, acute pain and seemed to last the ENTIRE time. I don't write this to scare anyone reading this, just be prepared for intense pressure and some acute pain. Feel free to tell them it hurts and squeeze the sheets/blankets. Once the tube is removed, for me the pain went away almost immediately. I did have some general feelings of spasms after, with some discharge and some nausea, but that was all VERY minor and didn't bother me much at all.
The results were positive and gave me much relief. My tubes and uterus are clear of any blockage and/or scarring. In fact the doctor was saying during the exam that the fluid was moving beautifully and everything was clear. The doctor performing the exam did mention that there might be a slight heart-shape to my uterus, but she hasn't seen enough of them to be definitive. So, I must wait to hear from my doctor after the radiologist has a chance to look at the films and write his report. I have been doing some research on a bicarbauate uterus, and there are some scary issues with that and pregnancy, but that is for another post when I have more information, including whether it is an issue for me or not.
I was pretty anxious. Ok so really anxious.
I've been lucky enough to have a pretty healthy life so far. I've never had to have x-rays, or broken bones, or surgery or anything. Well, to be fair, I did have stiches when I was 4 after taking a header into a corner of the wall. I can remember bits and pieces of that visit to the hospital: just slightly do I see the doctor's standing above me, and I remember screaming bloody murder, but I truly don't remember the pain or the feeling of the stitches going in.
So, walking into a hospital for this was a little unsettling. Something I knew I had to do, but anxiety inducing none-the-less. My mom drove down and went with me...while my hubby stayed home with the daycare kiddos. I'm so glad she was able to come with me. Just knowing she was there with me, eased some of my nerves & allowed me to be more open to the experience.
So, anyways to be technical: The HSG test (or hysterosalpingogram, or hystogram) is an x-ray of the uterus and fallopian tubes. This test is done between days 7-10 of your cycle, after mustruation has stopped but before ovulation.
The test is performed by a doctor, radiology assistant and nurse. You lie on your back with feet placed as you would for a pelvic exam. The doctor will insert a speculum to hold open the vagina to allow for a view of the cervix. They clean the cervix and insert a device to hold the cervix steady. Then they pass a thin tube into the uterus. As the radiology assistant takes pictures with the x-ray machine, the doctor injects a special dye through the thin tube into the uterus and fallopian tubes. The fluid will cause the uterus to stretch, resulting in uterine cramping. If the fallopian tubes are blocked, this fluid will cause them to stretch also, maybe causing pain as well. Images are taken as the fluid fills the uterus and tubes, they may ask you to turn from left to right to better grab pictures. If there is no blockage of the tubes and/or scarring of the tubes or uterus, the fluid will slowly spill out the ends of the tubes. After it does, it will be absorbed by the abdominal wall cells. After the test there are some minor side effects. These include, a sticky vaginal discharge (fluid draining), cramping, feeling dizzy, faint or nauseus, there may also be slight vaginal bleeding. There are some risks and/or complications to this procedure including allergic reaction to the dye, injury to the uterus or pelvic infection. Please discuss the symptoms for these with your doctor prior to the exam. Be sure to have someone drive you home after due to the possibility of some of the side-effects.
For my exam, I was instructed to take 400mg of ibuprofen 1 1/2 hours before the procedure to help alleviate any pain during the exam. I did, but it didn't help much. I have to tell you...the insertion of the tube and the fluid was painful. For me it was close to a 7 on the 1-10 pain scale (1=lowest, 10=highest). However, like I previously stated, I have never really had any chronic pain, trauma or surgery. I've never given birth, I've never had a broken bone. I don't really know what real pain is. So, when I was told there would be some moderate cramping, I just assumed it would be close in relation to my menstrual cramps. NOT SO! At least for me, this was the worst cramping I've ever felt...and I thought I've had some pretty bad ones. It was sharp, acute pain and seemed to last the ENTIRE time. I don't write this to scare anyone reading this, just be prepared for intense pressure and some acute pain. Feel free to tell them it hurts and squeeze the sheets/blankets. Once the tube is removed, for me the pain went away almost immediately. I did have some general feelings of spasms after, with some discharge and some nausea, but that was all VERY minor and didn't bother me much at all.
The results were positive and gave me much relief. My tubes and uterus are clear of any blockage and/or scarring. In fact the doctor was saying during the exam that the fluid was moving beautifully and everything was clear. The doctor performing the exam did mention that there might be a slight heart-shape to my uterus, but she hasn't seen enough of them to be definitive. So, I must wait to hear from my doctor after the radiologist has a chance to look at the films and write his report. I have been doing some research on a bicarbauate uterus, and there are some scary issues with that and pregnancy, but that is for another post when I have more information, including whether it is an issue for me or not.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
SA
Aaron's analysis was scheduled for Tuesday October 25, 2011. I got a call from Dr. Mantione later that afternoon with the results of the test.
He said that it everything was fine. Not the best, but ok. At the time I was dealing with an upset baby (who wouldn't take her nap) plus a 16 month old who was doing everything in her power to wake everyone else up, so the conversation was short and sweet. I couldn't think of any questions at the time. Although, now I'd like to ask...
He said that it everything was fine. Not the best, but ok. At the time I was dealing with an upset baby (who wouldn't take her nap) plus a 16 month old who was doing everything in her power to wake everyone else up, so the conversation was short and sweet. I couldn't think of any questions at the time. Although, now I'd like to ask...
- What exactly do you mean, "not the best, but ok"
- What were the numbers and motility and morphology?
- What can we do to increase/better these results?
- Should we abstain for a certain number of days/hours between BD during the ovulation window?
- What does this mean for our fertility? Does it increase, decrease or maintain our chances of conceiving naturally without assistance?
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
First Doctor's Visit
Well, of course this isn't a true FIRST visit for either of us...we are both almost 30 after all. This was our first infertility visit. Just for conversation purposes and to determine our next steps.
We met with our doctor...Dr. Mantione from my ob/gyn office yesterday morning. (My friend Megan sat with the daycare kiddos while we were away. I can't say enough about her...she really is a great friend, and I might not make it through if I didn't have her to rely on. Thanks Megan!) It was my first time meeting with him, and I was very impressed. He was very knowledgeable and kind. He listened to what I had to say as far as my background, asked a few questions and attempted to put us at ease. Aaron was pretty nervous. He might not show it much, but he's as anxious about this process as I am. Of course, he feels that his role is that of supporter rather than active participant...and maybe that's true. I don't know if I really want him to feel like he's an active participant until we achieve pregnancy. It's really stressful this stuff...and at times I don't want him to have to feel this way.
We talked about all the charting I've done, the length of my cycles, our attempts to time intercourse to ovulation and Aaron's deployments. Dr. M. asked a few questions of Aaron that I didn't think about and I relayed some information that was missed on my chart.
Basically, he said that to him it sounded less like a hormonal problem and he'd liek to jump right to testing for structural abnormalities and a semen anaylysis. I was slightly relieved that he didn't want to play around with hormones and start trying things like clomid and other therapies. I know everyone is different and everyone's fertility journey is very personal, but I've heard from friends that they've been on hormone therapy for awhile and all the while they've never been tested for uterine abnormalities, tubal disease, endometreosis or other issues. Some doctors go straight to drugs instead of trying to find the real underlying cause. So, I'm pleased that we've gone this route. Aaron's analysis is scheduled for next week but I have to wait for my test until I start my next cycle, because it is extremely time sensitive and they need to know the EXACT Day 1.
Although it doesn't sound like we're any closer...we have taken the first step toward assisted fertility, and that brings me some measure of relief. To know that we aren't in this alone anymore...makes the wait for my baby a bit more bearable.
We met with our doctor...Dr. Mantione from my ob/gyn office yesterday morning. (My friend Megan sat with the daycare kiddos while we were away. I can't say enough about her...she really is a great friend, and I might not make it through if I didn't have her to rely on. Thanks Megan!) It was my first time meeting with him, and I was very impressed. He was very knowledgeable and kind. He listened to what I had to say as far as my background, asked a few questions and attempted to put us at ease. Aaron was pretty nervous. He might not show it much, but he's as anxious about this process as I am. Of course, he feels that his role is that of supporter rather than active participant...and maybe that's true. I don't know if I really want him to feel like he's an active participant until we achieve pregnancy. It's really stressful this stuff...and at times I don't want him to have to feel this way.
We talked about all the charting I've done, the length of my cycles, our attempts to time intercourse to ovulation and Aaron's deployments. Dr. M. asked a few questions of Aaron that I didn't think about and I relayed some information that was missed on my chart.
Basically, he said that to him it sounded less like a hormonal problem and he'd liek to jump right to testing for structural abnormalities and a semen anaylysis. I was slightly relieved that he didn't want to play around with hormones and start trying things like clomid and other therapies. I know everyone is different and everyone's fertility journey is very personal, but I've heard from friends that they've been on hormone therapy for awhile and all the while they've never been tested for uterine abnormalities, tubal disease, endometreosis or other issues. Some doctors go straight to drugs instead of trying to find the real underlying cause. So, I'm pleased that we've gone this route. Aaron's analysis is scheduled for next week but I have to wait for my test until I start my next cycle, because it is extremely time sensitive and they need to know the EXACT Day 1.
Although it doesn't sound like we're any closer...we have taken the first step toward assisted fertility, and that brings me some measure of relief. To know that we aren't in this alone anymore...makes the wait for my baby a bit more bearable.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Introduction
This blog is my attempt to journal about the rollercoaster ride that is our journey to become parents. We are Jen & Aaron and we've been married since 2009. I work from home running my own daycare. Aaron works for the PA Air National Guard and is a federal employee during the week. We have two dogs and two cats and our lives are pretty busy between running my business, raising 4 pets and trying to turn our house into our home.
We've been trying to conceive since June 2010. It hasn't been successful so far and we're now at the point of talking to doctors to decide what our next steps might be. It's been emotionally draining and sometimes not pretty, but we both feel there are children meant to be in our lives and we're up to the challenge. We haven't decided what our final options might be...whether we are fully invested in ARTs, including IUI and/or IVF...but we are discussing and researching as much as we can.
We've been trying to conceive since June 2010. It hasn't been successful so far and we're now at the point of talking to doctors to decide what our next steps might be. It's been emotionally draining and sometimes not pretty, but we both feel there are children meant to be in our lives and we're up to the challenge. We haven't decided what our final options might be...whether we are fully invested in ARTs, including IUI and/or IVF...but we are discussing and researching as much as we can.
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